In the golden age of man, where men were titans, the rise to riches came from industry and creativeness. The Civil War era really comes to mind. We’re waging war on our own fellow Americans (friends). To fuel the war against the confederacy, bonds are sold to the Union, and ultimately this led to the bountiful resources needed to trump the confederates. Those who enriched themselves by leveraging this financial instrument for the good of these United States had a full belly, but that didn’t stop them from looking for areas of expansion. Is this starting to sound familiar? We all play the roll of James Hill and Jacob Schiff. Friends until it came time to battle for the Union Pacific, Northern Pacific, and Chicago, Burlington & Quincy Railroads. A timeless tale of humble beginnings, entrenched in riches, friends turn to foes, and battles against titans only to fall short. You thought you caught me napping when you gain majority voting rights of Northern Pacific? You thought you had it all? You underestimated me and an attack on James Hill is an attack on me, and now your shares in the railroad are nothing but fools gold. Let’s dive in:
I see you sitting there all fat and happy. We all do. Swing at the king you best not miss, said Pierpont Morgan. You’ve skirted the rules all year and found yourself at the pit of scrutiny. Remember the ol’ Hall Carbine Affair? Your name was dragged through the mud and your father was more ashamed than when your sister brought home a black guy. Never trust a man who’s relatives intermingle with the opposite race (I’m sure your red laced boot tattoo plays was to scare off any future brother in laws).
Look at you James Caden Hill. All giddy over your control over the Great Northern Railroad. You befriended your confidants and now you put a target on your back. If you were playing Hurts Shitty Donuts, I’d help you buy 150k shares in the dead of night so you can screw Jacob Schiff even more and retain control, but your roster is fools gold and JuJu has a better chance a consistency than your pussy crohns shits. Now you’re in everyones cross hairs after you fleeced Legacy. Starting a Q status Zamir white is what you deserve.
One mans trash is another mans E.H. Harriman, and if you mess with me, then I’ll make sure your efforts at controlling the midwest railroad crossings are torpedoed. Funding the war against Hurts Shitty Donuts was well worth it, and I thought I had an ally since nobody else would help you, but now Zack has an enemy in me when he refused to pay the fiddler when I wanted to make a trade. I’m going to make a scene out of your roster worse than the scene my gf made at your wedding (sorry).
Jacob Eagle Schiff, you’ve been a quiet player your whole life. You made a name for yourself through legal and scrupulous actions. But now other titans have their eyes set on you and your bench smells worse than the inside of your Sperry’s. You have an achilles heel and it’s that chip on your shoulder. You’ve pushed things as far as they can go but now you have a sense that your roster may not be able to withstand the winds of change.
Bad Trade Targets:
Kittle School Shooters:
– T. Dell – 3 games under 9 points. Buried in a busy Texans offense
– Z. Flowers – 2 games under 5.5 points. Heaviest run offense in the league
– J. Ferguson – 2 games under 4.6 points. Injury prone and only Dallas player worth trading for is CD
– J. Reed – Stuck behind Watson, Doubs, and Jacobs moving forward
GOONERS:
– Z. White – RB2 for the Raiders. No games over 6.8 pts
– T. Hill – No TD’s and 3 games under 8.2 pts w/o Tua
– X. Legette – 4 games under 8pts and 1 TD
– JuJu – 3 games w/ 0 pts. Bad Chiefs O. Run heavy O. Bad year for Mahommes
– R. Mostert – Played 2x all year. RB3 behind Achane and Wright. No TD’s
USA Eagle Slayer:
– J. Williams – 3 games under 6.1 pts. Broncos O.
– J. Jennings – Avg. 4 targets per game. Goes down with CMC returning. 3 games under 5.7 pts
– J. Waddle – 4 straight games under 8.7 pts. No Tua. WR3 behind Hill and Achane
– B. Irving – 3 games under 9.7 pts. Supplanted by Sean Tucker and R. White. Pass heavy O
Zach Robinsons Future Cell Mate
– A. Cooper – 4 games under 8.3 pts (3rd in the league in targets and WR1 in Buffalo)
– G. Pickens – 3 games under 8.4 pts (Russ starting and will open pass game. +3.5 pt projection with Russ starting)
– A. Mattison – 2 games under 6.2 points. Raiders O. (Double digit points in 4/6 games. RB1 in Vegas. You can’t spell SLUT without STUD)
Amon-Ra’merica
– D. Achane – 3 straight games under 8.9 pts. Points trending down WoW for 3 weeks. No Tua. Wright is a capable starter
– D. Singletary – Supplanted by Tyrone Prison Yard Boss Tracy. Fumble issues. 2 games under 9.2 pts. We all know he sucks and the Giants can’t run. RB2 in NY
– B. Thomas Jr. – Jags O. Bad QB. Bad Team. Rookie
– R. Dowdle – #Depth. 3 games under 10 points. Cowboys can’t run block. Pass heavy O
– R. Odunze – 5 games under 9.1 points. WR 4 behind Allen, Moore, Kmet. Rookie
– J. Warren – Hasn’t scored more than 8.1 pts all year. RB2
Hurts Donuts:
– J. Hurts – No where near as good as he was in ’22. TO issues. HC might get fired. Run heavy with Saquon.
– K. Hunt – Rental until Pacheco comes back. Bad Chiefs O. Limited ceiling.
– J. Mixon – Injury prone. missed 3 games already. More of a pass heavy O. Viable options at RB2 and 3.
– J. Jefferson – Too rich of an asking price. Waiting for Darnold to fall off. Fake good QB.
– T. McLaurin – 2 games under 8.3 pts. Run heavy O. Rookie QB. Only 2 100 yd games.
– S. LaPorta – 4 games under 9.4 pts. Only game with double digits points came off of lone catch for the game. Busy Lions O. Too many explosive players. Too many mouths to feed.
– C. Kirk – 3 games under 7 pts. Bad Jags O. Bad QB. WR4 behind Engram, Davis, Thomas Jr.
– T. Tracy Jr. – Name is Tyrone so he’ll imminently get suspended for punching a girl. 4 games under 6.1 pts. Bad Giants O. Bad O-line. Split caries with Singletary
– J. Jeudy – Bad Browns O. Worst QB in leagues. WR2 behind Njoku. 3 games under 8.8 pts. 2 straight games with just 1 catch
– J. Tolbert – Bad Cowboys O. Fake good QB. 3 games under 8.4 pts. CD only worth while Dallas player
– K. Vidal – Who?? Played 1x all year and only had 4 caries for 11 yards. WTF? $87 for sure.
– R. White – 3 games under 9.7 pts. RB2. Split caries with Tucker and Fucky Bucky. Pass heavy O
– Whole team is ass. Owner is ass. Cleft pallet looking mother fucker.
It Was Cowher’s Team:
– R. Stevenson – Splits caries with Gibson. RB2 some weeks. Fumble issues. Bad Pats O. Bad team. Rookie QB who is probably bad.
– J. Ford – Bad Browns O. RB4 behind Chubb, Strong, and Foreman. Injury prone.
– C. Watson – Injury prone. Crowded Packers O. Big play threat only. No reception or target volume.
Makin Moore Money:
– P. Mahomes – Very, very bad year. Run heavy O. No games more than 18.81 pts.
– C. Sutton – 3 games under 7.9 pts. Broncos O. Rookie QB. Avg. 3.5 catches per game. No 100 yard games (!!)
– B. Aiyuk – 5/6 games under 9.9 points. Rusty. Crowded SF O. Run Heavy O. Not same guy as last year
– D. Mooney – #RiseUp. Crowded ATL O. 3 games under 8.t pts. Major boom or bust. 1-100 yard game.
– T. Allgiere – Only 51 caries all year. 4 games under 7.6 pts. RB2. Crowded ATL O. Pass heavy O.
– T. Etienne – Hurt. Bad Jags O. 0- 100 yard games (!!). No TD in 4 straight weeks. Going to be traded.
– P. Freiermuth – 5/6 games under 9.3 pts. Bad Steelers passing game. WR2.
Honest Abe’s Trades:
– D. Maye – Likely bad rookie QB. Bad Pats team. Bad O. Run heavy O. WTF?
– J. Gibbs – Splits caries with Montgomery. RB2. Crowded DET O. Expensive asking price
– C. Hubbard – Bad CAR O. Bad QB. RB Committee with Brooks. Might get traded.
– S. Diggs – Crowded HOU O. Diva attitude. WR2.
– C. Godwin – WR2. Too expensive asking price
– D. Schultz – Hasn’t scored more than 6.7 pts all year. Just 18 catches all year. Crowded HOU O.
– J. Addison – WR3 to JJ and Hockenson. 2/3 gams under 6.7 pts. Injury prone
– N. Harris – Steelers going pass heavy with Russ. Warren is feature back in pass game. only 1-100 yd game. 1 TD (vs Raiders). 3 games under 9.8 points.
– C.Kmet – 4 games under 8.8 points. WR3. Rookie QB
– A. Lazard – WR 4 behind Adams, Wilson, Hall. Crowded Jets O. Never really a good player and way overachieved but with Adams he will fall off a cliff.
– D. Prescott – Fake good QB. Bad O-line. Bad DAL O.
– J. Brooks – Rookie. Coming off major knee surgery. Bad CAR O. Bad QB. RB committee with Hubbard.
– Owner is a Benedict Arnold and says the word “fag” way too much it’s kinda weird
Trapa-Hall-Ics Mixtapes:
– M. Pittman – 3 games under 7.7 pts. Uncertainty at QB. Richardson is awful.
– C. Otton – Crowded TB O. 5/6 games under 9.7 pts. After thought on O
– A. Ekeler – RB2. Crowded WAS O. Fumble issues. Old and injury prone.
– M. Wilson – 3 games under 7.6 pts. WR2. Weird AZ O with no identity and no consistency/rhythm
– T. Conklin – Crowded Jets O. 4 games under 5.8 pts
– A. Pierce – 3 games under 5.5 pts. Only 13 catches all year. Very unreliable. Weird QB situation. Richardson sucks
– R. Shaheed – Pro Iran probably. Injury prone. Saints starting rookie QB. Run heavy O
Error 404:
– J. Downs – Weird QB situation. Richardson sucks. Overvalued in FF
– C. Brown – RB committee. Pass heavy O
– R. Doubs – Crowded Packers O. Attitude problems causing him to miss games.
J. Meyers – Any Raiders pass catcher is toxic. 3 games under 10 pts. Bad team. Bad LV O.
– X. Worthy – 12 catches all year. 0-100 yard games. 2 games under 5.1 pts. Bad Chiefs O. Bad year for Mahomes
– Fleeced by Caden
Gordon’s Last Joint:
– Z. Moss – Supplanted by Brown. Pass heavy O. Fumble issues. Under 8.3 pts 3x this year and RB1? Questionable roster management
– R. McCloud III – Crowded ATL O. 4 games under 9.3 pts. Ultimate boom or bust not reliable
– Z. Ertz – 4 games under 8.9 pts. Old and injury prone. Rookie QB. Run heavy. Only gets 3 targets per game
– T. Bigsby – Bad Jags O. Bad team. Bad QB . 5/6 games under 9.1 pts and 2-0 pt games. RB committee with Johnson
– D. Douglas – Bad Pats O. Bad QB probably. Run heavy O. 3 games under 4.4 pts.
– T. Hockenson – Crowded MN receiving core. Injury prone. Missed a lot of time with serious knee injury. Nobody knows what kind of shape he’ll be in. Darnold is fake good QB we all think.
– Nacua – IR and may not come back until playoffs
– Would rather go 1-6 than make a trade to hopefully improve team
– Goes down with the ship
– Swung at the king and missed
