What is sexier than a QB that gives you a 30 PPG? How about a RB2 + WR2 and a flex player with upside so that I can have depth (eyes roll into the back of your head as you tilt your head back and take a long drag of a cigarette). That answer is can be found in “The Cross”, which an symbolize something that can be a source of death, depression, or addiction (IYKYK). Our cross is trades, for better or for worse. The phone lines were open in week 3 and callers were coming in hotter than Jim from Elyria at 9:52am on a Friday morning. Ken Carman would have finally have that long overdue heart attach from watching the slippery wizards of our league cast their black magic over one another. The stakes are high and we are all playing for keeps. Let’s dive in:
Not a trade, but Hurts Donuts paying $87 for the ghost of Kareem Hunt is objectively hilarious. Now, Kareem is on the Chiefs 53, but Browns fans remember his inability to get more than 2.5 YPC last season. Okay, now let’s get serious..
Trade 1:
Burrowed Alive Receives: Alec Pierce, Malik Nabers, and Najee Harris
2143 E 42nd St: Receives: Kyle Pitts, Kyren Williams, and Stefon Diggs
Alec Pierce, The White Knight, as bold and loyal as he is to the sinking ship that is Anthony Richardson (holy fuck is he bad), was able to muster 1 catch for 44 yards. The big play ability is there but his QB is begging for the Bryce Young treatment.
Death, Taxes, and Najee Harris going for 18 – 70yds. You couldn’t make up a more boring player if you tried. There’s literally zero upside with this guy and now he’s hurt. He is the Steven Glansberg of fantasy football.
Malik Nabers is an animal. That guy is so good it’s a shame that his QB next year isn’t even on the Giants roster. If they can continue to scheme him open he is going to put up hilarious numbers. 8 touches for over 80 yards and 2 scores against a good Browns defense is a heluva welcome home party.
Kyle Pits. Listen… I know what you’re all thinking, but Pits has big play ability hence 2 catches for 59 yards and was getting red zone targets. that combined with 2 straight weeks of playing 100% of the offensive snaps, this was a deep analytics trade which is something that most of you swine who would pay $87 for the ghost of Kareem Hunt, wouldn’t understand. Not naming names.
Stefon Diggs is mr reliable. 10 – 94. he’s a constant threat to put up big numbers in a pass heavy Texans offense and one of the best QB’s in the game. I know none of the Vikings players would let him date their daughter, but I’d let him do BDSM to mine.
Kyren Williams **(has been traded since)** had a hilariously good day. A career day in fact. Finding the end zone 3 times en route to a 30 point day, but that Rams offense is hamstrung by injuries and as good as Kyren is, the stats say that he is as unpredictable as he is reliant, but with tremendous upside.
Trade 2:
It Was Cowher’s Team receives Josh Allen and Jerome Form
Hurts Donuts receives Rachaad White and Jalen Hurts
There’s a lot to unpack here so bear with me a second.
Josh Allen is the hottest girl in the room. Should be the fantasy MVP. What he did to the Jags is akin to what Bryons uncle did to him in the garage during his 9th birthday party.
Getting Josh Allen bascially off sets what you get with Jerome Ford. A rental QB who’s seemingly been relegated to 3rd string behind D’onte Foreman and in a Browns offense who’s missing 3/5 of their O-line and who cannot get their shit together. Compound that with Watsons inability to stretch the defense to honor the passing game to open up running lanes, defenses are just pinning their ears back. Let’s hope that the witness interview with the NFL goe– I’m sorry this isn’t a Browns rant… Next.
Jalen Hurts is really struggling to capture the form of his MVP caliber season 2 years ago. He’s a good player on a team with a lot of good players which is why it’s easy to think that he’s great. Hurts really needs to start finding the endzone vs letting Saquon get all the glory so that Hurts Donuts can salvage the trade
Rachaad White should be RB1 but after what we saw Bucky (insert image of that gas station squirrel) Irvin do on Sunday (9-79 and 3-14 receiving), Todd Bowles publicly announced that Bucky will be getting more touches out of the back field which is going to hurt Whites production which was already abysmal vs the lowly Broncos (6-17 and 5-18 receiving).
Some are throwing around a very nasty 2 worded phrase that nobody wants to hear that we are all susceptible to. I won’t say the phrase trade rape, because it’s not what you say to another man who had an ashtray thrown at his head and was raised in an abusive home but was too young and weak to do anything about it at a particular address in Erie, Pa.
Sound Off!
