** Advisory Warning: This Post Contains Incriminating Evidence. Post Not Suitable For Eaters Of Sweetarts**
I’m very rarely left speechless, but this may have been one of the juiciest weeks of them all. Juicier than ones fiancee hearing second hand about some friends of the road coming over for a wet and wild evening of fun. There’s more analogies to put into this post than a Lil Wayne song so I’ll try to avoid it, but it honestly might be unavoidable because there’s so much low hanging fruit. Fruit hanging lower than the oysters on some of the ladies we saw this weekend. After a weekend in Sin City, it’s about time some of you atone for your sins and there’s no place better for atonement than the WSJ (Described by some as tough but fair. Objective and honest reporting). So get ready, because this is going to hit you harder than waking up to 27 missed calls from your ex after a night out at the aptly named, Peppermint Hippo. See you boys on the other side…. Let’s dive in:
There’s a new number 1. After surviving a series of onslaughts from members of the league last week, Bryon asserted his dominance by taking down Dave in a low scoring affair. There’s a reason why the B-Train isn’t the A-train though and it’s because he’s got spots on his roster softer than Daves cock Friday night with Aunt Jermima on top of him. Who was more of a no show this weekend: Zay Flowers or Cadens dignity after doing some last minute backpack blow Sunday night. Is there a RB committee forming in Buffalo? Hate to see Ray Davis out score James Cook. The only thing more annoying than that is trying to shower and having someone smash the bathroom window.
A surge in the middle of the pack! Zack, winner of 2 straight, leap frogged Boss into the final playoff spot. When he isn’t so self conscious about whether or not people are talking about him (you really need to cool it sometimes) he’s actually a decent team owner. It would be a hell of a feet if could Zack add another title to his legacy after once again starting 1-4. Your friendship will be called into question and you’ll be in a more uncomfortable position than the guy who was dildo-ing the girl too rough and she told him to stop it, if you do not pay the fiddler. “Pussy Play Time” ain’t cheap and neither is making the playoffs.
After a disappointing loss to Moxie this week, Taran finds himself on the outside looking in. I think that’s what you get for shitting on one of your teammates this weekend. On the other hand, you do you have Rico Dowdle so you’re a #Depth man and that’s something that is commendable and I think we can all appreciate that. With some savvy roster management and additions of Engram, Geno, and Brian Thomas you actually may make it into the big dance this year. But if you keep poking the bear like you were yesterday, you’ll find yourself missing the playoffs and playing with yourself in the corner like Caden after he kept getting rejected by strippers because he’s a sad, sad man who can’t goon any more because he does too much coke. No, dude, nobody wants to buy paint from your shitty company.
Moxie’s season has been more of a rollercoaster than my sleep score this weekend (presented by Whoop). Everything was all well and good and then I decided to scream “God Hates Fags” in a casino and found myself with a 17 HRV Sunday morning. Can’t be doing shit like that any more. I have a (failing) career and I’m getting too old. Moxie has righted the ship and is firmly back in the playoff picture, however, as the old saying goes, sniff the strippers hair too loud and then you’ll creep her out. Don’t blow this opportunity Moxie, you’re in, just don’t sniff her hair.
“I grew up in a middle class family”, well look at you now Salty Gaulty. You made a deal with the devil and it got you 30+ points and it literally kept your season alive. Also, we all saw Matty score over 10 points again and I want him back. Just when everyone thought you were going to go down with the ship, you finally got off your high horse and got your rocks off at the Peppermint Hippo. Maybe we should let you hook up with other girls more often. Whatever puts you in the trading mood 😉
Dig deep for this one, because it’s a doozy, but digging deep shouldn’t be a problem for you, excavator, should it? You’re out of the playoffs, you dealt Rachaad White and he puts up a 30 burger (that’s the stuff of nightmares), and you’re getting demolished in the mental warfare game. “Can’t do it. Can’t do it”. Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe you can’t do it after all, and you now you left that girls clam with blue balls all because your greedy little Troy Aikman sized lips couldn’t gobble up that last sweetart. You quit on that sweetart just like you quit on this season.
Sound off…
